He Who Laughs Last...

Jay Leno: "Did you know there are still 330 active wildfires in California? And thousands of homes are threatened, although not nearly as many homes" as "are threatened by Countrywide Mortgage."

Jay Leno: "And Hurricane Bertha is gaining strength. But the good news, listen to this -- since NBC bought The Weather Channel, there's a good chance the storm will be cancelled."

Jay Leno: "And you think it's hot now? 'Discover' magazine says in 3 billion years, the sun's intensity will be so strong it will boil the oceans and turn the entire Earth into a deserted desert. Like Phoenix in July basically."

Jay Leno: "Transportation officials report a record number of traffic accidents for the first eight days of July. You know why? The new hands-free cell phone law. People in LA aren't used to driving with two hands."

Jay Leno: "I like the hands-free phone. You know why? Like, today, I was able to get a much closer shave. I could look in the rear view mirror without holding the phone and the shaver."

Jay Leno: "Jesse Jackson now apologizing to Barack Obama for some extremely crude comments he made about Obama after an interview on Fox News. Yeah, apparently Jackson didn't know the microphone was on, and he said some nasty stuff, yeah. So yet another reverend Obama has to distance himself from. The guy has the worst luck with preachers of anybody I know!"

Jay Leno: "They're now investigating why Barack Obama's loaner charter jet had mechanical problems the other day. Remember he had to make an emergency stop in St. Louis? ABC News says the jet was previously used by Hillary Clinton. See, so Hillary let Barack borrow her plane. And it had problems. Wonder what that was all about?"

Jay Leno: "And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention but not the Republican convention. And, believe me, black Republicans are very upset, both of them."

Jay Leno: "And President Bush was in Japan for the G8 summit. Again, another embarrassing incident at dinner. I guess President Bush sent his sushi back because it was cold. 'Throw that on the grill a little bit there!'"

Jay Leno: "Osama bin Laden's teenage son...has released a poem calling for the destruction of America and the killing of all its allies. Imagine a kid writing something like that. Here's my question. Where are the parents?"

Conan O'Brien: "The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic convention. ... Which begs the question, where are they going to find 80,000 Americans who don't eat fried food?"

Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday at the G8 summit, President Bush met with the prime minister of India. Yeah. There was an awkward moment when Bush told the prime minister, 'I think I've been in your taxi.'"